The back story on M is this is a person who comes to our every second Saturday gay cafe. She's 26 and married. But they live in the basement of her parents' home. Her husband B is a computer science student at LU where he's getting a free education because his parents are missionaries in Jordon. Ben also holds a job.M doesn't work. She spends her days complaining about how bored she is and how awful life is in her parents' basement. For example, she'll complain that her mother dares to run a vacuum before M is out of bed.... except that it's 11:00am. She's tried community college, but three weeks into every semester she drops her classes, saying the asshole professors are insane for how much effort they require.
The other thing you need to know about M is that she is nasty. She has a lot of anger and she expresses it often. She has an attitude about everything. The more gross or profane the better. And she loves to antagonize. For example she chose July 4th to totally trash her home town, Bedford, VA, for it's "overwhelming militarism." Read this for her idea of militarism.
In short, she's a complete asshole.
And yet I care about her. I'm fucking crazy.
Yesterday M invited people to tell her something they always wanted to tell her. I told her she wouldn't like what I had to say. She said she wanted to know anyway.
M is the latest person to learn why you should never ask me for advice...
Dear M:
Not sure you want advice from an old woman. And I know I'll sound condescending and preachy. But you asked.
I'm not sure why I care about you, but I do... even though you treated us so unfairly back in February.
Here it is: I see you squandering a real opportunity M. You are 26 years old and married. Yet, and this may hurt, you are still living and behaving like you are in high school.
You have a huge opportunity right now while B is in college and you are living with your parents (at what I hope is reduced cost). You could be working and squirreling money away so that when B is done with school and you two are ready to launch, you have cash on hand to make that launch. I cannot emphasize how important this is.
You could have a respectable amount of savings right now (even on minimum wage). Instead you are wasting time and racking up debt.
I know you have your reasons for not working, but unless you are disabled or retarded, none of them are good reasons. Even disabled and retarded people work. You will work at jobs you hate (we all do ... it's called paying bills). You will work with people you hate. People will hate you. Doesn't matter.
Not working is NOT an option.
You are where you are because of choices you made. You chose to marry and live at home with your parents. Stop complaining about that. Complaining doesn't do anything to get you toward your goals. It just makes you look like a spoiled, ungrateful, 14-year-old child. That's what people see. I don't think you want to be that person.
You have a choice: Are you a 26-year old woman and wife, or are you a 14-year-old girl?
When I give my daughter advice, I often mention you as a talking point of what NOT to do. She's young and in love and she and DJ want to start their life together. They have considered marrying and living with his parents. I think you would tell them it's a big mistake to start a marriage that way. I think you would tell them, as I have told her, that if that's what it takes to be married (living with parents) then they have no business getting married.
At 17 Amanda has already earned 23 credits toward a bachelor's degree, and now she's seriously considering taking a break from her BA to pursue a two-year applied science degree in pharmacy tech, dental hygiene, respiratory, etc. to get herself job-ready so that in short order she can be a provider for her family. At 17 there's a seriousness and maturity in her that I have yet to see in you.
Mind you, she's done all this despite chronic depression that is sometimes severe (she's been hospitalized for it). The world doesn't stop because you're depressed or down or even if you've lost and arm or an eye.
I don't think you want to be the poster-girl of what NOT to do. But right now you are that person. The good news is, you don't have to be. You have the power to change your life. You just have to get serious, stop whining and complaining, and take ownership of your life.
12 comments:
That was fucking AWESOME. I hope it makes some kind of positive impact (even if only a time-delayed one).
What is it with weirdly entitled lazy people who are married and live in their parents' basement and then bitch about it like it was something that was done to them instead of a choice they've made for themselves? Clearly, I know a few people who should also get this kind of letter...
Woo girly, you and Miss A would make a wicked awesome pair.
This sounds a lot like something I heard her say to someone once.
I hope she listens. You probably just gave her the best advice she will ever receive.
I agree with Syd, up till now, I bet no one else had the courage to tell her what she needed to hear. WTG!
That rocks! (And all the best for Amanda!)
Thanks Maggie. I'd be worried sick about Amanda except that she has a really good boyfriend. We genuinely love DJ. From the beginning she's kept her head about him. I made her promise not to marry until she has her bachelor's degree. She turns 18 in six months and at that point she's a free agent. I can only encourage and guide at this point but the good news is, she's listening.
Concerned third party advice is often the advice that gets you going...if this doesn't work, nothing will. Good on ya!
Concerned third party advice is often the advice that gets you going...if this doesn't work, nothing will. Good on ya!
I agree totally. But...truthfully? When I was in my twenties, I had NO idea how important it was to save money. I didn't start seriously saving until I was in my mid thirties. And yes, I regret it now. We are doing fine, but retirement would be much more fun at 55 instead of 65 and because I started saving so late, that is exactly what I won't be able to do.
Great advice, Trop. I don't know if she listened, but I sure hope so.
I just don't get the entitlement thing. Like you say, even retarded people work ~ I know that my brother in law works harder than most people, for less money, and takes great pride in what he does (mowing lawns).
I must be losing my mind... Is this a reprint? I could have sworn I read this about a year ago.... I kept checking the date to see if I was in a time warp..... Now I am convinced I have too much going on in my life...
oh wait.... maybe I just read in in July.. and have that much going on.. that I THOUGHT it had been a year.....
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