Sometimes you're on the pedestal...

...sometimes you're teetering on the edge.

That pretty much sums me up lately.

My aim is to be pedestal-worthy. I'm able to put in a bona fide effort to that end about half of the time.

The other half of the time, not so much.

I get lost and pulled inward. I visit some pretty dark places at these times. There's so much negativity in my brain; thoughts I sometimes can't control. Meds kept them quiet for a long, long time. Now they are unleashed. I'm in a beat down with them in my journal. Lots of literary loathsomeness there. A big pity party purge. And hopefully, an exorcism. I'm ready to be done with this bullshit.

Enough about that.

What keeps me going is that the good side, the light, is winning.

Courtney deserves so much credit for that. She just instinctively seems to know what saving me requires. She does it 24/7.

I love her and she adores me. I want to be the woman on the pedestal she sees in me. I have a long way to go. I need to believe in myself the way she believes in me. I'm working on that. Lucky for me she's patient.

Amanda is having a good run, and that helps tremendously. Battling one's own depression is hard, battling another's is harder. As Amanda goes, I go. Her bad days are my bad days.

She's having all good days lately. I cannot tell you what this does for me. The added bonus: it was ultimately my doing (not her therapist, not her shrink, and not meds) that pulled Amanda out of her darkness. I'm enjoying the ride and all signs are good.

It's my birthday today. It's a day for reflection and assessment. I don't know of another birthday in my now-49 years where I've been in a better place life-wise. I am grateful.

Life is good.